Ugh.. Indian Men on Dating Apps.

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Ugh.. Indian Men on Dating Apps. “insert smack my head smiley”.

Warning: The following paragraphs may include the rants of an extremely annoyed Indian girl (who refuses to be called a woman, because I do NOT grow old).

As a millennial, with no close access to reliable young men, I have had some experiences with dating apps. In my opinion, dating apps can be used to find your perfect someone. Whatever your definition of “perfect” may be.

My definition of a perfect someone, is, someone who is kind, honest, interested, not looking to play around, and smart. This definition varies for some. Today, I speak for those who use the apps to look for something which could turn serious, maybe.

Begin rant.

Why do Indian men assume dating apps are only for hooking up, playing around, fooling people and not being serious?!!!!

Also, why do Indian men assume every other Indian girl out there is looking for the same thing?

Based on statistics (from very “un-questionable” sources), when Indian men go on a date, they are usually not very forthcoming about what they want. They wishy wash around the “what are you looking for subject” unless directly asked. Non-Indian men on the other hand are a lot more honest about what they want. Which I appreciate. I do not care about modesty around the subject about hooking up. I am interested in honesty and not wasting my time. And theirs.

I have nothing against people who want a casual relationship. Personally, I am not up for it because it is too much energy spent on something which is, according to me, not worth it.

What I am against is not being forthcoming about what you want. If you want a casual relationship, great, let the girl or guy know, first date. Or preferably, before you meet them.

Also, what annoys me greatly, is that a lot of these guys are looking for something serious but don’t know how to go about it. They eventually listen to mommy, daddy or wait to be introduced to someone.

If your parents can find you a girl or boy through shaadi apps, which look identical to dating apps,  with the swiping and what not, except that they want to know how much money you make, you can find your dream boy or dream girl through a dating app. It’s not that different. It’s how you use it.

So, boys and girls, everyone, grow up.

End.

PS. The author of this article is usually always correct in all that she write. She is also very humble, kind, and out of the dating game, in case anyone was interested. 😉

Rejection

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You prepare your heart for it,

Knowing it will come,

You raise those walls,

You expect nothing,

You seal those lips,

You lock those questions,

For only then,

You know you can,

Greet it proudly,

Smiling sadly.

 

Pessimistic much?

I came upon this little poem I had written a couple of years ago. And it is beautiful in the way that it captures my present state of mind and it’s battles.

I catch myself doing the following often. Whenever I have an event coming up, which involves a possible approval from another person, I prepare to get rejected. More or less always. The few times that I have not done so, ended badly, when the verdict was not in my favor.

This could be related to an approval from my boss, an approval from a cute guy. I also used to do the same thing when expecting approval from my parents, but I have now rooted myself into a position where I can reason with them. While they may not agree, I believe that my own personal financial independence may have helped. But in other cases, where money does not help, I am still at a loss. I do fight for things that I believe I am due, but I also believe that people have a right in choosing the right partner for them. This is a right I exercise quite often, mind you. So in all fairness, if the guy does not like you, there is no point in fighting or arguing your case. Your best bet is to move on. But it still fucking sucks.

I do not believe that preparing to get rejected is the right way of going about things. Having high expectations of the other person from your end, believing in yourself and knowing that things are for the best is the best way to handle it. And while it may suck a while after said day, it is still worth it. Don’t forget to pick up and move on.

The .Net Partner

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Imagine every south Indian parents’ worst nightmare. No, not flunking the final college exams. Something worse, something more sinister, something absolutely unacceptable.

The online boyfriend. Even the serious kind.

Where did you meet this boy? What kind of a boy is he, that he is in an online dating site! Who are his parents? What about his past? What is he hiding? Does he have many girlfriends? How do you know if he’s telling the truth? And the questions go on!! Note: Questions on your own participation in these “online dating sites” will soon follow.

And these are questions from reasonable parents. For those of whom, who have parents who follow caste and ‘joshiyum’, may their paths to pain and suffering and maybe eventual break up, be a little less painful.

Would normal Indian parents accept a boy whom a girl met online. My guess is maybe, but not easily.

However, what I do find more ridiculous, is their easy acceptance of random men in online “shaadi” sites. More than half of these men, whom were “accepted” by my parents and passed to me, upon close inspection, were found to be disturbing and unrealistic.

Around 80% of the men in these sites, would have ticked the “does not drink a drop of alcohol” question and would look for a person with similar characteristics. Please note that their Facebook profiles would probably host a vast number of pictures of them, holding drinks of their own. Some say, they do this to get past the initial filtering done by Indian parents.

All of my statistics are for men that I find on these sites, since I am a woman. A straight one. It is more than possible, that there are some profiles of women on these sites, that are way more outrageous.

My point is this, dating, or finding an ideal groom or bride anywhere is a dangerous game. Whether the partner is found by you or by your parents. But we are still in an age, where the onus is on us, to convince our parents that the guy you’re dating is not all that bad. And maybe, just maybe, that’s not a bad thing after all.

PS: The author of this article is basing this on a hypothetical situation, where a set of normal Indian parents are introduced to a normal Indian guy. Found online. She is also 5’3” tall, a little dark, fit, earns reasonably well and hates making chapattis.

Friends.

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If anything, I am grateful for my past few years in Boston, because of the people I have met. The people I call my friends, who are now as close as family.

I have been blessed to have friends who helped me move all my crazy stuff, from one apartment to another.

Friends who stayed awake through the night with me, when I have been sick. Friends who made sure I had good food to eat when I was down with fever and cold.

Friends who lent me a new laptop when mine broke.

Friends who call every week to check in with me, even when I’ve been antisocial. Friends who pick up my call, any time, because they know I’m going through a bad time. Friends who been my support through my lowest moments.

Friends who are ready to pull my leg, anytime -_-.

Friends who are like family.

The circle of bitching

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No, I’m not a big fan of bitching. I can neither acquit myself from charges of bitching now and then. And no, I don’t bitch because it’s an inherent characteristic of a woman. I’ve seen quite a few men guilty of the charge. Now, that a few “assumptions” have been cleared, let’s get on with it.

Have I talked badly about someone behind their back? Yeah, sure. Quite a few times really. Do I talk badly about everyone behind my back? Hell no. I reserve that status for the few, rather special people in my life. Are there people who bitch about everyone else in their life? Yeah sure. Tons of them. And they are the ones I am gonna talk about. Their circle of life. Uhm, I mean bitching.

You would imagine that people who bitch all the time don’t really have friends. But, they do. In fact they have quite a few! Tons of friends to party with, tons of friends to hang out with, tons of friends to bitch with. Oh, and tons of ‘friends’ to bitch about.

In fact, the bitching brings them closer… “Oh my, did you hear what HE was doing the other day?”, “Wait, you don’t like him either?”, “Ugh, how could I, when all he can do is blah blah blah”.. Subject of conversation approaches, “Hi there, how was your day?” “I love what you’re wearing. And I heard what you did the other day! That was amazing!!”. Exchange sly glances. New bitch relationship found. So yeah. Bitching does form friendship. Of a sort. Until, of course you realize that the subject of bitching in “Week – 1” was you, and there goes your friendship.

Start “Week Current” bitching about that old friend with new bitch friend (yes! the initial subject of the bitching), and now we now have a full circle of bitching.

There are those who still remain friends and bitch all through their ‘friendship’. They are a special category of ‘human’. I will not talk about that category of ‘human’. End bitching. End.

Who you are..

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A recent conversation with a friend made me rethink a couple of things which I thought, at a time, were facts.

I’ve grown up in an environment where people’s achievements were attributed to talent and hard work. “He plays the piano so well.” “He is a talented boy.” “Oh yes, he spends a lot of time playing the piano.” “No wonder he is so good at it.”

In fact I argued with my friend, that this was all it was factored to. Though out the conversation, she pointed out that the experiences of a person also greatly factor their achievements.

For example, I enjoyed working on the logical problems in GRE. This was probably because I did well in that section, in fact a lot better than the mathematical and verbal sections. I wonder why that was. Was I, as a person good at solving puzzles, was it a talent of mine? My sister had worked on her GRE ages before I even considered taking mine.  So, could it be attributed to the fact that as a child, the prep software my sister working on her GRE, had a great user design in the form of a car, and I was intrigued by it? I remember, the younger version of me seeing that as a game and doing my best to solve the test questions(though I failed miserably at it.) Was it because my sister had spent the time then to explain to me how those problems could be solved? Eventually, through life, whenever I encountered a similar logical problem, I would try and solve it. I think it was the latter, now that I think deeply about it.

Another observation I found interesting was the mindset with which you approach a task. “Oh yeah, that’s easy”. “This is pretty interesting”. When you approach a task with that thought in mind, you do well in it. Or at least better than approaching it with an “I can’t do it” attitude.

However, this brings for a head or tail issue. Do you approach a task with a positive mindset because you are good at it? Or do you do well in a task because you approach it with a positive mindset?

One of the biggest setbacks for me, when approaching a task or acquiring a skill, was seeing how much better the people around me were. “There was no way I could get into a top-tier college. Look how perfect her score is! There is no way I will be able to get that score. So it does not make sense for to even try!”

The more I looked around, I could see people trying hard to set a mark in this world. And a mark they will set. I have come to realize that, whatever task you are faced with, when you go at it with a level of confidence and a generous helping of hard work, you CAN master it.

The unwelcome guest

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You rarely invite me on your own,
You hate me, you scorn me,
You want me to leave,
But the door to leave is always shut tight,
With the key to the door held tightly in your hand,
And when you finally open the doors,
You look at me with pleading eyes, saying,
Oh Pain, Oh Pain, please don’t ever come again.

Breaking down the ‘Simple Indian Curry’

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cropped-img_2644.jpg

If you do find cooking to be a difficult task to venture into or are scared to attempt Indian curries, you might find the below article to be a little useful. I’ve been cooking Indian curries for a few years and the programmer/coder in me found quite a few similarities in the “procedures” aka recipes, used to make them. For more than a year, I have been making curries without specific recipes. Most of these have been successful. However, there have been a few disasters as well. This blog lists down some of the things that helped me make a “successful” curry.

Big fat disclaimer: What I say does not include all Indian curries. I am pretty sure some of those curries out there require a lot of technique and skill and blah blah blah, but this blog should help you start out, understand and analyze the techniques needed to make indian curries and perhaps help you on your journey to make curries without any recipes!

Before we begin, some of the staples necessary to make an Indian curry are

  • Coriander powder
  • Chilli powder
  • Turmeric
  • Garam masala
  • Onions
  • Tomatos
  • Ginger garlic paste

Also, if you are planning to make something with meat or chicken, try and get your hands on “Chicken masala”.

To summarize the entire blog even before I begin, the basic steps needed to make a simple indian curry:

  • Sauté onions until it becomes golden brown.
  • Add ginger garlic paste and sauté again for another minute.
  • Add the tomatoes and masalas and cook it out for a while (the longer the better). Make sure all the masala is completely cooked (this is checked by tasting).
  • Add your meat or vegetables at this point and cook it out.

Tada! You now have an indian curry.

Though it is as simple as that, to avoid a complete disaster, you might need to know a few things first.

Ingredients and quantities:

Most of the curries I have made always include both onions and tomatoes. However, you could opt to omit or change the proportions of these to try something different. I would advise you not to avoid the onions though (so much flavor! – also, I have no idea how a curry made without onions would taste).

To start of making your first curry on your own, I would say stick to equal quantities of onions and tomatoes. Eg: If you have one super large onion, add two medium tomatoes. If the onions are smaller, add tomatoes of equal quantities.

Be careful when you buy chilli powders and use them! They tend to vary in mildness and should be added to the curry accordingly. You could substitute the chilli powder with green chillies instead . Make sure you add the chillies along with the onions!

To spice up your curry a lil more, you could also add pureed coriander and mint. Add them in varying quantities to experiment with flavors. Note: this makes your curry turn into a brown color. If you want your curry to be more green than brown, go easy on the tomatoes.

Finally, for the creamy richness experiment with either coconut milk or cream. Go easy on the coconut milk on your first try.

Taste-testing your curry:

Often times you might end up with a curry which is just so blah. Don’t worry, most curries only need a little pick me up. If you can’t figure out what is wrong with your curry, add salt. (Even better, add garlic salt). If it still lacks flavor, squeeze some lime into the curry (done towards the end- don’t cook out the yummy lime tanginess). If it is too spicy, add cream or coconut milk to the curry. You could add yoghurt too, but it does add a different flavor to the curry and I would advise you to proceed with caution. You can also add a little sugar (LITTLE). I’m not a big fan of sweet curries, but there do exist a few good ones.

Hopefully, I’ve given you enough information to prep yourself to make your first curry (without a strict recipe).

 

The unseen walls

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You cannot see them, You cannot touch them,
Yet they exist stronger than any other.
Walls of brick and mortar can be broken,
But these walls are strangely stronger.
Scale them and conquer them, many may try
Yet down they are pulled, by the many that don’t,
No door is seen, no path is found
Yet many pray, a way is found.